Healing Grief and Loss: The 5 stages of getting over grief

There are stages that one experiences as they move through grief. Most agree with Kübler-Ross’s  five stages of grief (known as “DABDA”) however I decided to add “guilt” alongside “bargaining” as I believe this is missing. Guilt can play a large part in the process and answers why some people find it hard to move on from their grief. Here are the traditional “5 Stages of Grief” including “Guilt.”

1. Denial
2. Anger (and Guilt)
3. Bargaining
4. Depression and
5. Acceptance.

My first piece of advice is to be kind to yourself through this time because you’re likely to be going on an emotional roller-coaster ride; many emotions of which you will not even be able to name. It’s not that we have to name every emotion we feel; just sometimes it helps to know what we’re experiencing.

Healing grief is being kind to yourself.

While there are 5 stages of grief it is important that you understand that there isn’t a clean progression through these stages. Instead there is a blurring between them and at times you’ll loop back to previous stages. You may also experience a cacophony of emotions (more than one) so grief can be quite confusing. It’s okay to feel confused and confusion always proceeds knowledge. So, if you’re confused, it is highly likely you are about to get a gush of wisdom of sorts. Healing grief after all, is about healing mentally too and gaining the wisdom with that.

Simply respect that what you’re going through is a healing process. The worst thing you could do is to stay in Stage One: Denial. Why? As a trainer of NLP and Life Coaching I can tell you that what we deny and suppress eventually surfaces. The longer it’s been down there in the unconscious part of our mind, the uglier it seems to be when it finally resurfaces.

Suppressing feelings was a crazy notion that came about in the 1600’s. It was suggested that if we suppress our emotions, we allow our intelligence to improve. Nothing stupider could have been concluded. So what I suggest, allow yourself to feel the pain. Trust me, you’ll feel much stronger for it… eventually.

Few people understand the process of healing grief. If you find that some of your friends or family offer advice such as, “Come on mate, you’ve got to get on with your life and get over it”. Ignore their advice because grief is a process that you must move through in order to heal. Chances are, they just don’t get it. They are not in your frame of mind and the cocktail of chemicals swimming in their bodies is very different to yours.

Be brave enough to feel the feelings of grief and allow yourself to be irrational, illogical and if you feel to, cry like a baby. If you need to be alone, be okay to say so or just go ahead and do it. The people around you will understand and what you are doing is likely to be very normal behaviour for someone who is grieving. To make it easier to follow and understand these steps, I’m calling the person who passed, your “Loved One” – so if they’re not “Your Loved One” as in your partner or a relative or a dear friend, understand that at some level, there was some love there, otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling the way you do after losing them.

What stage of grieving are you at? So let us work out what stage you’re at and what you can do to help yourself through the process.

1: The ostrich stage of grief – Denial

At first learning about your loss, you may experience a numbed disbelief which we call “Denial”. At this stage the world and your part in it becomes meaningless and even the slightest challenge may overwhelm you. You might even find yourself underwhelmed.

Life might make less sense as you deny the reality of the loss. This helps to delay the pain. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Do not be alarmed if you don’t wish to spend time with people and hide yourself away. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle. Remember, this process is natural and its our body and mind’s way of healing grief.

Shock usually accompanies Denial as this provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once, hence why underwhelm may appear. This may last for weeks although attending the funeral and the wake can help you to move through this process and into the next stage more quickly and easily. As you move out of the Denial Stage you might begin to notice that the feelings that you were denying begin to surface.

What could I do to help me through this stage? Rest and be kind.

I highly recommend you go easy on yourself and do ask for help. Ask your support network to help you to alleviate any stresses at work or home as these will be amplified during this time. Stop working (if you can – yes, we’re all dispensable) as you’re likely to make some pretty dumb decisions at this time – mind you, they won’t seem dumb at the time.

Give yourself the time off work and away from the chores so you can allow yourself to process what has happened and commence the healing process. You might even start to think that what you do for living isn’t really worth it and this is natural as your values may have shifted. While once “career” might have been at the top of your values, perhaps now “family” has relegated “career” below it in your values hierarchy.

I also suggest that you do what you can to attend the funeral and the wake, and any family or friends’ gatherings as talking, hugging, and crying really helps. While wakes and gatherings usually provide alcohol, it’s a good thing to avoid alcohol. Remember alcohol is a depressant and will exacerbate the 4th stage – Depressed feelings. If you feel you can’t cope without alcohol then go ahead, though be warned that too much can make things much harder for you.

2: The anguish (other) stage of grief – Guilt

While not everyone will experience guilt, it must be mentioned in healing grief as many people do. As the shock wears off so too does the denial stage, it is replaced with the feelings that denial has suppressed and is a feeling that can be described as a heavy blanket of emptiness. This is the guilt stage. For some this will be a suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully and not hide from it. Again, avoid alcohol and drugs as this will take you what will later feel like 10 steps backwards into Denial.

As your thoughts move to focus upon your relationship with your Loved One who has passed, you may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do. Life may feel like a roller-coaster or emotions, perhaps chaotic and scary during this phase.

What could I do to help me through this stage? Forgive.

I found it much easier during this phase by going through what we teach in NLP Masters as “The Forgiveness Process“. If I can give you an abridged version this will help enormously.

(Note to Self: Move slowly through this process, don’t move too quickly through it. Allow yourself to feel the feelings and your imagination to recreate them).

Simply find yourself a comfortable and quiet place where you won’t be interrupted and start the process by closing your eyes. Imagine that you’re in a movie theatre and sitting in the front row, just in front of the cinema screen. Imagine a stage in front of you and a single spotlight shining on the middle of the stage focus there for a moment and allow your imagination to see your Loved One materialise on the stage, under the spotlight. Once they’re there, start speaking to them (in your mind or out loud), expressing to them how you feel. Take your time; this is not to be a perfectly prepared speech.

Now it’s time to forgive them. This comes from our cousins in the Pacific Islands. It’s a process called, “Ho’oponopono.” Simply tell them what you’re deciding to forgive them for and there’s a specific way to do this. Recall an event, describe it as if recalling it to them in conversation and once you feel like you’ve expressed the event fully (without blame), apologise to them using these words…

“I’m Sorry, please forgive me”.

“I forgive you, do you forgive me?”
(And wait for their answer – yes, you’re deciding for them of course to forgive you)

“I love you. Thank you”.

Now allow for some space of time before you go on to the next event that requires some forgiving and repeat the process until you feel your burden, your guilt and some of your pain subside and then say whatever is in your heart to say to them, as you imagine a umbilical cord connecting you to them and cut that cord and set you and them free of all the guilt that you shared between you and your Loved One. You can do this process more than once if you feel to. You’ll find this very helpful.

The second destructive stage of grief – stage 2: Anger

Once Denial moves to reality we start to acknowledge our emotions. Guilt is typically the first emotion to emerge followed by Anger. Understand that Anger is a most necessary stage of the healing process and I have found that people who suppress their anger and not voice it or express it, can delay healing grief. It may then take years to come to terms with their Loved One’s passing. Remember, this is healing grief, so anger too must go.

Be willing to feel your anger and persist as at times it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the quicker you will heal. Understand though that choosing to feel the Anger does not give you permission to be physically abusive or verbally lash out at those around you – although some will.

There are many other emotions under Anger and you will get them out in time, but Anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. Your Anger may extend to your friends, the doctors and the hospital system, your family, yourself and even your Loved One. It may also extend to God or whoever you do or don’t believe in. You may ask, “Why would God allow this to happen?” you may even question God’s existence.

Depending upon your religious beliefs, you may have felt like one of God’s children, now you may feel abandoned and your primal need for survival kicks in, in the form of Anger. Underneath the Anger is a deep, deep pain. Though while society has issues with Anger, Anger can be a strength and it is trying to find your way through this strange time where logic and reason have gone out the window. You’ll find ways of releasing your Anger at this stage and the list of angry recollections may be long. You might get angry at someone who didn’t attend the funeral, maybe a person who isn’t around you supporting you right now, perhaps a person who is different now that your Loved One has passed on. You may seek out anyone or someone who can share the Blame.

All of a sudden where you had no idea of what was going on with you, now you have a focus and it’s called Anger and it’s certainly better than the nothingness you felt before. We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just telling you how much you loved them and you’re just Angry at something invisible, the deity or the illness that took them away. It’s better to make that something that invisible, visible. So Anger is usually directed at others. Understand however that Anger is simply lots of frustration. Please aim to control your Anger somewhat, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion and if it’s directed at someone, be prepared to apologise and allow forgiveness to save the day.

What could I do to help me through this stage? Get physical!

While at this stage you might be very Angry and my suggestion is to exaggerate your expression of Anger by focusing it into a physical activity that cannot hurt you or anyone else. I ran, I went surfing, I even screamed while my head was underneath the water after wiping out on a wave – I think I scared every fish along the east coast of Australia into Indonesia! (Sorry to the entire population of East Australian fisherman).

Just like a dog shakes off feelings from their body, we can do the same by being physical. Go get pampered. Have a massage, move your muscles and release the Anger from your body. You’ll feel much better for it.

Although this might sound counter-intuitive, look for the higher level learning that should you get it will cause your Anger to dissipate. For example; if you find yourself getting angry about all the times your Loved One took so long to return your phone calls, the higher level learning might be “patience.” Once you get that, practice patience all that day, perhaps all that week because that may be a great lesson to learn and usually lessens the Anger and the pain. Here’s an Audio product that can really help with Anger.

3: The third negotiating stage of grief – Bargaining

Once you have dealt with your Anger, it is likely you’ll become more compliant, some now move to the Bargaining Stage.

You may find yourself trying to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair. If you hear your inner voice saying things like, “I will never drink again if you just bring her back” or “I will have more patience and start listening if you could just bring him back”. You might even start formulating an agreement to do what you know you could or should, “If you could bring her back, I promise I’ll devote my entire life to helping others.”

Here we retrace the moments before our Loved One’s passing with “What if… ” and “If only… ” statements. We want things restored to how they were before their passing and understand that this is only a natural part of the process. We want to go back in time and reverse what has happened, almost as if we caused it to occur at some level. Here of course we can Blame ourselves, though Blaming anyone, even ourselves is not a solution, it’s just our way of making sense of what happened. People often think of the Stages of Grief as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one. So be okay if you’re moving through the stages in a backwards and forwards type of motion and equally be okay if you miss the Bargaining Stage as many do.

What could I do to help me through this stage? Let go of logic.

You seem to move through the Bargaining Stage pretty quickly and some even miss it altogether. This is a stage that some just need to experience and let yourself move through it naturally as you can. Don’t try to make sense of this stage as minds are apt to do. Resist trying to rationalise this away. The best advice is to be kind and patient to yourself and ask your body what it needs most. If it’s rest, rest. If it needs to move, move it.

4: The forth self-focused stage of grief – Sadness

While some have called this Stage “Depression” I have purposefully not done so. The reason is because this stage is filled with a deep sadness and a general feeling of loss. It’s not Depression and I wouldn’t want anyone to feel as though they now have an illness. You might be sad, but sadness is just a phase, not an illness. It’s okay to feel sad. After all, your Loved One just passed away! So of course you’re going to experience feelings of Sadness. You might have people at this stage expect you to have moved on from your grieving, but if you’re not through it it’s because you’re still processing; you’re in Stage Four, Sadness. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it saddens you. You may isolate yourself on purpose; reflect on conversations and things you did with your Loved One. You’re likely to focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

After Bargaining, grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This Sadness Stage feels as though it will last forever – it won’t. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone. Why go on at all? Sadness is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually sad. The loss of a loved one is a very sad situation, and sadness is a normal and appropriate response. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your Loved One didn’t get better this time and is not coming back is understandably saddening. If grief is a process of healing, then sadness is one of the many necessary steps along the way. If we are healing grief, then sadness is a mandatory stage.

What could I do to help me through this stage? Learn from it.

Similar to the process of releasing Anger, again you look for the higher level learning that should you get it will cause your Sadness to dissipate. For example; if you recall a time when your dog or cat passed on, while it too might have been sad, the higher level learning might be to learn to Accept the things you cannot change or perhaps reinforce your spiritual faith. Once you get that, healing grief may include the practice of acceptance all that day, perhaps all that week because that may be a great lesson to learn and usually lessens the Sadness and the Grieving. That of course is the process of healing grief.

The best process to dramatically reduce Sadness and find the higher level learning is a Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) technique called Timeline or you can purchase an audio CD which will take you through the process – you’ll find it on our Life Beyond Limits website. In the interim, here’s an Audio product that can really help with Sadness.

6: The fifth and final resolution stage of grief – Acceptance

While most believe that we’re AOK at the Acceptance Stage, this is not really the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We may never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live.

We must now live in a world where our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, through acceptance, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves. Healing grief is like a scar, we are now stronger where the wound once was.

Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin healing grief and to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move on and change, we grow and as such, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.

When you are healing grief, you will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

At times, people in grief will often report more stages. Just remember your grief is as unique as you are and healing grief is a process.

What could I do to help me through this stage? Break patterns.

The key thing to watch out for here in healing grief, is the development of a disempowering pattern. Should we have been grieving for a reasonable length of time, it is likely that we’ve built a pattern, it could be sombre pattern, a sad pattern, an anger pattern or similar. The concern is that we may have now built our identity around these patterns. You’ll see this displayed in a number of ways; a group of your friends are sitting around laughing until you walk into the room and they go quiet and sombre, because that’s how you’ve been for so long. Or people may avoid you because you seem sad or angry all the time. Some people may even pick fights or become argumentative. These are not only disempowering patterns, these are co-dependent patterns that are supported and maintained by your peers, family or friends. You’ve got to stop this pattern or you’ll get sucked into it and perpetuate it.

The best way to break a pattern is to start doing things differently. While it might feel weird at first (because you’ve been doing sad sack or angry anderson for so long) allow it to feel weird until it starts feeling natural again. Sing, laugh, joke, run, play, be stupid, crazy anything but sad. Break your pattern and get back into life again, albeit a different life. Create a brand new identity and one that serves your future self or the vision that you have of yourself. It will be huge relief to everyone around you to see the new you emerge from this, stronger and healed. Remember healing grief isn’t only about healing, because true healing is becoming stronger than before.

Rik Schnabel is an Author and an NLP Trainer teaching in Australia